You act like you've never "oranged" a bed before...

Like clockwork, 3 days after I sleep with a new guy, I wake up to my unpleasant little friend the UTI. Now I don't care who the guy is, the sales rep, the architect, the cop, the mechanic... they all have teh same ability to cause me much pain.

Now being 25 and knowing how to spot the symptoms of a UTI almost as well as I can recognize my own birth mother, I've taken it upon myself to not only self diagnos, but self treat. Generally a couple bottles of cranberry juice and some over the counter pills and I'm good to go. Mind you I said "generally".

Not this time.

Anyone prone to this sort of infection will find my next statement common knowledge.::: OTC Azo pills will make your urine bright fucking orange.

Another piece of common knowledge.:::: do not have sex when you have a UTI. It will make matters worse.

I knew this. I knew this rule well. That being said: Just because you know the rules does NOT mean you won't violate them.

What I did NOT know, was that violatin this simple rule would lead to the single most embarassing moment I've experienced. (no really.)

Now the guy I'd been datin gfor a little over a month was leaving on a business trip over Valentine's Day weekend. Clearly wanting to give him something to miss, as well as something great to come home to, I decided to violate the cardinal rule of the UTI, and have sex anyway. Big mistake.

Now seeing that I have to work later that night, we do the deed, I hop up, get dressed, and come out of the bathroom only to find that my slightly OCD bedmate already has the sheets off of the bed and in the washing machine.

Now when I say that what I saw next was completely and utterly mortifying... I mean it. times ten. and if I knew a word (and believe me, I know a LOT of words) that could explain to what calibur of mortified I was, I would use it, but unfortunately, while looking down at his ONCE pristine matresses and realizing that not only was my urine orange, but ALL of my bodily fluids were orange... all words escaped me. A rarity, I know.

Now looking for a quick fix, and realizing that there wasn't one, I tried to escape. too late. He was back... and wanting to "talk". Shit. Why the emotions??? Why Now??? I needed out.... yet again.... too late. Maybe he was glacing back to remince about the greatness that had just taken place... or perhaps he was going to try for another romp before I left for work... whatever it was that made him glance back at the bed was no longer of his concern once he noticed that this matresses looked as if I had used them as my canvas for my favorite crayola marker.

Now I knew that he was an athlete in his high school days, but until this very moment, I had not witnessed such speed and agility. within moments he was back. With dish soap, a sponge, and the most disgusted/confused look I have ever seen on a man. It was almost as if I had become nurse to a surgeon. ... "water.... soap.... towel... water..."

The matress's tiem of death was approximately 9:15 pm...

it may have come into this world a bright white and spent a hot minute as a fighting illini fan... but it is defintely leaving the world the color of a pale... peach... easter egg.


hahahahaha :)

Things I've learned today.... and it's only 10:15

• Drinking beer, tequila, redbull vodkas, eating fried mushrooms, and riding 15 minutes in a car... will make you vomit.
• Drunk Dialing may be embarassing... but sometimes, it can save your job ie: a return call at 8 am could serve as your alarm when you fail to set it....
• Drinking makes me hate people... especially the lazy ones that want me to do their work... when i'm hungover.
• The assistant manager here at the ranch apparently thinks she's salaried to instant message.
• They must not have fax machines in Mexico... because the previously mentioned manager acts as if it is a foreign concept to send these facsimiles herself.
• There are some people in this world who should not leave the house without makeup. My BEAUTIUFL assistant manager.... is one of them.
• Apparently if you want an excuse to be late to work EVERY day... have a bastard child. At least that is what my AM did.
• In the apartment industry, AMs don't have to answer phones, help residents, write work-orders, or get off their ass...... when the Property Manager is in San Antonio.

okay... that's all for now. dumb bitch.

Enter at your own Risk.

I'll be honest, this blog thing wasn't entirely my idea... however, it's a well known fact (maybe not yet... but it will be... promise) that my life is ridiculous... and after a bit of encouragement this week... i've decided to share it with the world...

:::::::::Warning::::::::

if you know me, in fact, if you know someone i know.... you are at risk of being the butt of one of my jokes, perhaps an entire blog. if you've done something stupid... i will mention it. if you were dumb enough to do something stupid while i was around... you will more than likely have an entire blog dedicated to you. i will not be nice. i'm never nice. if you can't handle it... i suggest you google something slightly more pleasant...

that being said...

enjoy.